Josh Vallejo Content

I could write a million things about how depressed I have been since the beginning of October.

I have struggled to shower. 

To get out of bed. 

Eat and stay hydrated.

And I could attempt to type all of those feelings out. Hate it. Erase it. Rewrite it a million times. 

Or

I am going to try a wild new approach—what if I share the things I have done to try and get better? What if I don’t wallow? What if I try to get better and yap about it here?

I honestly don’t know. I am terrible at not wallowing. But um, here we go I guess? 

Over the last month, I binge-watched the TV show Arcane. It’s based on the wildly popular video game League of Legends. When people mentioned the show’s first season 2 years ago, I rolled my eyes at the idea because I thought the idea was silly. League of Legends isn’t a linear game. It doesn’t have a story. It’s an MOBA. You can’t make that a good TV show 🙄 (MOBA stands for multiplayer online battle arena for all non-gamers, meaning it’s completely online and you play exclusively online with/against other real players with no ‘scripted story’ elements and instead battle in a giant ‘arena’. This is such a basic description, maybe another post will go more in-depth! Who knows?!) 

So I ignored my two best friends telling me to watch it and also telling me that they knew I would love it. And this is me admitting – in written form – I was totally wrong. 

Not only did the TV show move me deeply, (tremendously so, perhaps as much as The Last of Us!) but it also inspired me to download League of Legends. And thus, my journey began! 

I have spent the latter half of November learning the very basics of League. I am a complete novice at the game, but it has sparked a great interest in gaming in general again. Something Twitch took from me. Something I have wanted to get back. And something I have wanted to share with others again. 

A huge part of depression is simply motivation. I have had very little desire to do anything. Literally, anything. Including listening to music, which for many was the biggest red flag for a major swing in my depression. There are so many reasons for this and no matter what I type it all sounds pathetic. All I hear is all the people who sound so right in my head with their criticisms playing in an endless loop and again it steals away the incentive to share because the people in my mind are right. Anything someone may have whispered about me, I can assure you I have thought it louder and harder and hurt myself over it more inside my mind than most ever could.

But Arcane inspired me. It inspired me to see change both in others and more so in myself. We are not a sum of our greatest failures. Nor should we only strive for perfection. Because when you are scared of taking the first step because you are scared of failure you are also scared of taking every single step towards your greatest successes. 

It’s crazy it took League of Legends for me to understand that life lesson. 

I hope I can keep up the momentum I feel inspired to share, and more than anything I hope I don’t Jinx myself by sharing it.