So…
Everything I have to write is completely pointless according to a lot of people.
Every question I want to ask is rhetorical.
And every action I take is with bad intention.
And I think maybe that’s why I’m starting to feel like Twitch was a really bad idea for someone like me. As much as I love it I don’t know if it’s the right space for someone like me. But I also loved it more than anything I had ever attempted before and brought me some of the most meaningful relationships and experiences of my life – so maybe it was a good idea.
In May of 2020 when the world felt like it was ending, everyday I turned my phone on and it felt like everything around me was crumpling – I had lost my job, we were incredibly unsure about my husbands employment, we didn’t know where we would be living the next month – I found comfort in the stories others wrote on the Internet. Somewhere in the chaos I fell in love with Mandalorian fanfic. Yes, I unabashedly read hundreds of thousands of words of Mando fanfic. And I was so fortunate to meet other individuals who felt the same way about these stories. I was able to spark a love and passion for the creative and new forms of content I didn’t fully realize.
In February of 2021 I created my Twitch account in order to share my love of The Last of Us with a few fellow fans – the connection being Pedro Pascal was cast as the protagonist Joel Miller in the upcoming HBO adaptation. He also played the Mandalorian, I also found he increcibly handsome. I happen to be one of the few individuals who has access to a PlayStation among those who I had met during quaratine. I had zero intention of my Twitch ever becoming anything. I just felt lucky I got to share the incredible story with my new friends and Twitch was the most convenient way to do so at the time.
What I didn’t expect to find was a thriving online community that seriously cherished the games, and appeared to seriously cherish each other and loved…. the The Last of Us content.
But what the fuck is content?
I have spent the last three years in a never ending hell trying to figure out what the fuck content is and why I suddenly owed the entire world my soul – and why I demanded the same of others.
And the truth remains – whatever I write, whatever I say will never be enough for so many of those on the Internet.
I will never be enough.
There is already someone reading this lining up with screenshots ready to post. Or impressions to give. Their own hot takes with their own feelings towards my actions and my words.
And guess what?
They are right.
Everyone is valid in whatever they choose to feel towards me or about me. All of you. Every single one of you. If you read this and fucking hate me and want me to die – I validate you. I also hate myself. I also have wanted to kill myself. Your feelings are valid, and nothing I say will ever void you of that.
All I can present is my truth. My point of view. And hope there is faith in my good intentions.
But unfortunately here we are and I continue to find that my words are meaningless to those who refuse to accept my intentions. Or just refuse to listen. And so I will never be enough for so many people. And neither will my content.
If I am not enough for you, whatever I create or do will never be enough to satisfy whatever is it you want me to explain about myself. I see that now. Thank you for teaching me what I could have never taught myself. So after the hell I’ve trudged through to find out so many people will always find me meaningless I can happily say – that’s fine, you can see yourself out now whenever you like – okay, bye ✌️
Josh Vallejo Content 